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Monday, December 2nd, 2002
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3:53 am - Testing "Morsmordre please!”
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yawn. when does adam come home.
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| Saturday, November 30th, 2002
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4:10 am
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i'm not really tired, but my back hurts.
new meds, while highly effective during my work week, helping me stay awake and alert and happy with justus, allowing me to focus on writing very clearly, and allowing me to gain new perspective, are making a bit of a sleep zombie out of me.
today, because it was the middle of three days off without adam, and i had absolutely zero else to feel responsible for, i slept until 4, having stayed up until roughly that the night before. then, at 9 o'clock this evening, i took a two hour nap. i know, but what can you do.
jenny is coming over tomorrow and we might just go crazy and see harry pottah.
i miss adam, the tosser
aaaand
guess what? i'm sitting in this apartment and i love having it all to myself. how unfair is this irony?
RICTUSEMPRA!
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♥ !
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| Sunday, November 24th, 2002
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7:35 pm
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poor ads is upset because it seems that dj maxx alexander, after having mysteriously cleaned house for us, has stolen our beck's. and the one and only ashtray as well. for shame.
to the pharmaceutical companies who developed effexor depakote and amytriptilin: thank you?
(i'm 21 in a month.)
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| Friday, November 15th, 2002
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6:31 pm
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we are, at 6:30 pm, getting ready to see Harry Potter at 10:10. because i am as giddy as a child, that's why.
this morning i finished the lamest of my college essays while justy took a long, LONG morning nap. then i filled out a bit more of the newly-arrived lang application (the last one i finished and immediately lost) and started a story. i think the key to my writing success might be double-spacing each line. i don't have enough facts to say for sure yet, though, so i'll get back to you.
i want to puke. my boyfriend says "awwwwwooooooooooh! now i have to go see HARRY POTTAH!" and you know what's cool about that? he's english so it's CUTE.
and now, it's kitten-time.
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♥ !
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| Sunday, November 10th, 2002
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5:41 pm
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I was going to legally change my name yesterday. I don't know; it seems unlike me.
have developed unhealthy appreciation for football. that is, boyfriend's football. i have been promised an arsenal t-shirt when he comes back from xmas in london.
my college essays are half-done.
kitten is getting huge.
and harry potter. i cannot wait for harry potter.
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♥ !
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| Thursday, November 7th, 2002
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7:54 pm
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today, an email simply i love you because. cuteness abounds.
but here, how i neglect... because of my paper journal? because i have been scribbling out beginnings and little middles and skinny ends to college essays? because i am watching a fifteen-month-old learn how to walk everyday. and getting paid for it.
and i'm going to write something big again. soon. i feel it yo
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♥ !
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| Friday, October 18th, 2002
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9:33 pm
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Hello, there
!
We are back.
I am reading The Noonday Demon again. The new apartment is so-so. I still WANT this [writing space,not living space] but I don't want [dotdotdot] To explain anything to anyone right now.
ahem
1,self-medication is lovely, and don't ever believe any different
2,but manic-depressives shouldn't take depakote without an anti-depressant and that's a fact
re:2, should be filed under "something we should know by now" and "things we chronically forget", subcategory "pills we chronically forget"
to be vague and blunt at once, i keep falling off wagons. then i lay in the dirt and watch the wheels spin smaller and smaller away on the ground. something between my mother and i...is lost in the translating of it. i am directionless, penniless, without wits or willpower or anything. i love my boyfriend, my cat, and the consumption of massive amounts of marijuana. the rest is beyond my tiny, comfy sphere of a home. it's not stupidity, people, it's um. well i'm just-- as adam says, i can't be asked to require anything more of myself. to demand or expect. maybe it'll get better. well, it usually does.
so if this gets sporadic-- i'm still here, anyway.
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♥ !
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| Monday, September 30th, 2002
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10:50 pm
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Christabel, who is at present attacking my feet [09/02]
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♥ !
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| Sunday, September 29th, 2002
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11:34 pm
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I've a sore throat.
People keep telling me that I have the inflection of someone who hangs out with an English person too much.
American football is boring and daft.
I have this new journal to write in, it's blue and green leather and very beautiful and stained with black Sharpie ink.
We keep talking about taking a holiday, but it's vague and we never decide on any sort of whimsical destination (non-whimsical either, even) because eventually things trail off and the mood is wistful, for the Ojai Valley. I'd really like it if we could move away somewhere, but Adam won't even entertain the idea, or participate in a conversation about it anymore because he has to go to school here and he's depressed about it.
My search for a second job has stalled a bit because I've been paying my bills just fine for the past few weeks and I don't want to give up my four days off.
And I am always so so tired.
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| Thursday, September 26th, 2002
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8:06 pm
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I hate everything because Adam and I are fighting, but he's still cute, playing my keyboard on the couch with a spliff between his lips. Frowning.
Also, he has an accent, dammit.
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4:35 pm
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Now, the people with cameras and suits and 5,000 dollar pens to sign their 5,000 dollar names with are making tv commercials about "bipolar disorder". What a revelation it must be to turn on the television and have the lightbulb pop and "holy shit, I'm bipolar!"
I don't know what I mean by that.
I love my diary. Not this one.
Dear Alice, it's not done but if I ever finish it, I will send it to you. If I come to London, will you hang out with me while my boyfriend does e and runs wildly around with his wildly running friends?
I think the simplest, and the best thing in the worldis.Elmo.
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♥ !
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2:33 am
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I've just written 2 1/2 pages of short story and so.
I think you want to pat me on the back. Send me cookies. Buy me flowers. Bid me goodnight.
I'm exhausted; farewell.
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♥ !
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| Wednesday, September 25th, 2002
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10:00 pm
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I'm not sick anymore. So, here's the what.
My hours are soon to be on Wednesdays, Thursdays, and Fridays now. Which means I have four days now, all in a row, on which I could work about 16 hours. 16 is all I need, basically, if I work at a rate of no less than 8$/hr. So there's the first toe I must dangle into the horrible horrible waters of sorting my life out.
And then, well. I would like to lose weight. I like waifs. I like waify girls. I would like to be a waify girl. Like I was two summers ago, even though it was a bit tragic then(...long black sweater, chipped nail polish, cigarette, disdainful looks, and clutching my poor abused left arm). It's not about stereotypes or anything, I just liked the lightness. It's the way things feel more attainable when everything is clean. I can't write, most of the time, in a messy room. I cannot clean a messy room. I don't like mess, extra weight, stones in my stomach. We're moving soon, and here's another hope: that I can get it together. Unpack, organize, stow away, clean before the apartment implodes again. In the clean kitchen, learn to cook.
My college essays are due by the first of November, because I'm so terribly ambitious and unwavering, I think I should apply early.
Adam and I talked about fishing the other day. If I go to the University of Montana, Delp, do I get a fishing pole? I thought I'd like to fish in Montana, actually, of my own accord, and then remembered, "whoever goes to school in Montana gets a fishing pole", yes I did.
I should like to fish and buy a fishing hat.
I am sick of the indoors.
After I lose weight, by eating healthily and taking cheap yoga classes (?), I should have enough money to buy some new clothes, a sort of new armor?, and apartment decorations, and fun kitten toys. I think it's very sad that all Christabel has to play with is toilet paper.
I would like a cape. (Or do I want a cloak? Or a shawl? I'm afraid I don't know the difference.)
And cowboy boots. How long have I wanted cowboy boots! I don't know, but it's criminal, I think.
And I haven't forgotten writing. The thing about the writing is that it should be there throughout this entire process. Today I bought a little leather book, like the one Corrina and I have, and like my old turquoise one, and what its uses will be, I don't know.
And another thing: London. I'd like to buy a ticket and fly with Adam so I could see him in his element. Or at least Ireland. In London I would have to make conversation with Helen, Adam's best friend, Jas's, girlfriend. And I would have to be funny and cute because I want Jas to like me too. And they go to the clubs where all the royals hang out and I don't like dancing (and so I suck), and I think we both know that it has the potential to be disastrous. So, I'll amend all that. I would like to meet Jas, and see Adam's mum again, and run around London for a few hours and then go to Ireland.
That's it. Right there. All of it. I have to pee and I want pudding.
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♥ !
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| Tuesday, September 24th, 2002
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10:29 pm
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I am reading I Capture the Castle. Today, while my boyfriend was asleep I was forced to lay under my blanket, watching a Mary Kate and Ashley movie that took place in London. Funny that. One of the girls' boyfriend looked like Prince William and he went to Eton. The Olsen twins are the epitome of...culture.
Oh, bother. Force all of this shit from my head. Bring back Snyder, bring back darling Ms. Atwood, Ms. Sexton, summon the A.S. Byatt from under the papers strewn across my car.
I have not discerned in so long.
I have not absorbed in so long.
I have not understood in so long.
If I had been then what I am now, I would have to sneak into the woods with a pack of Camel Lights in my pea coat pocket, and sit by myself near the cabin I went to with Emily. And I would write more. And better.
So? Money-saving. College. Studying. What it is that I am. The words that have been stifled and burnt up in the last two years, this past eternity. I am ready to be hungry again, and dirty, and wild.
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♥ !
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5:12 pm
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what does it mean when you can't walk a straight line for four days and the world spins around you? when you're hot, then cold, and hot again? and you can't drive because of your dizzy head.
well, anyway.
i was going to make a fresh start here until i fell ill. i guess there's no statute of limitations on starting anew, however, and so. expect one in the future. oh, i do hope you'll wait...?
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♥ !
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4:50 pm
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moved again.
once there, now here.
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